That’s not a lot of time. I know from my experience waiting for Vivienne that it could be 16 more weeks, and I know from lots of my friends’ experiences that it could be more like 12. Regardless, I now have a Google spreadsheet entitled “To do before baby 2,” and have been filling it with every nesting impulse idea that comes to mind.
It’s a mean trick that my pregnant body feels best and most full of energy right when it starts to become physically difficult to do house projects. For the first time in months, I found myself moving furniture around this week and wiping up dusty corners that no one has or will see. Today my belly and back are protesting that decision.
. . .
I am having a harder time accepting my body’s changes this time. With my pregnancy with Viv, I felt more open to my body growing bigger and rounder, and was generally positive about the shape I took. I’m not sure why but it feels harder to surrender to that now, and admitting it makes me feel very silly and vain.
The other night I took a prenatal yoga class, and felt great wearing these bright, loud maternity leggings. In the middle of class and one of the warrior poses, I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror in the back of the studio. It was shocking. I did not look how I was expecting to look in that moment. My belly and my butt, in part because of the pose, were sticking out quite far and I had to fight the urge to hop out of the pose so that no one would see me like that any more. So that I would see me like that anymore. I knew then and I know now it was ridiculous but it’s how I felt!
I’m also more sensitive to the comments people make about my pregnant body this time around. Or I’m letting them get to me more. It’s harder to shrug off the disbelief that I’m not due for another three months when I tell people my due date, or to say something nice when they comment on how big or pregnant or huge I look.
On Viv’s first birthday, Sean and I looked back at how quickly the first year had gone by and how funny it was that we ever obsessed over a particular phase. I’m trying to remember this now as I struggle with my surrendering to my body’s changes. In such a short amount of time, it will be back to being just my own or at least mostly my own. The demands of pregnancy and the early months of breastfeeding will be past, and these thoughts will feel so far away.
. . .
14 weeks, ish. And then this whole other person joins the three-person life that Sean, Viv, and I have spent the past 18 months building, celebrating, and loving. With Viv, I worried she would feel like an intruder into my relationship with Sean but she didn’t, at all. I trust that this baby will not feel like an intruder either and so I find myself curious. What will he or she bring out in me, in Sean, and especially in Vivienne? What will our transition into a family of four be like?
What kind of person will this baby be?